


Time of My Life

by lost_in_madworld



Category: The Great Gatsby (2013)
Genre: Abusive Relationships, Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Angst, Depression, Emotional/Psychological Abuse, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Mental Health Issues, Mental Institutions, Mentions of Suicide, Minor Character Death, Romance, Sex at some point, Suicide Attempt, The plot is kind of complicated
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2013-06-23
Updated: 2013-09-06
Packaged: 2017-12-15 21:11:08
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 10
Words: 16,680
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/854093
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/lost_in_madworld/pseuds/lost_in_madworld
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>After all these years Nick has been repressing the truth about what really happened the summer of 1922. But soon the truth comes back to haunt him and is forced to dealt with the pain that has haunted him for years.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

Snow fell from the world above, it was whiter than it was the year before, but still all I could see in the skies was that damn green light that haunted my dreams. The same one that kept me awake at night filled with questioning thoughts. The light, it blinded me, making memories that I didn’t want to remember break through my barrier.  
I’ve been in this mental institution for 5 years, they, trying to make a breakthrough with me. I don’t see one happening anytime soon. They tell me Daisy is…a figment of my imagination. That the story I wrote for them was just my imaginary world and this was my way of covering up the truth. I don’t really know what to believe though, this entire world is a bunch of bullshit. People are liars, fakes, and cheaters. I don’t want anything to do with it. I lost the most important person in the world to be and now I can’t bear to look at the world before me.  
I touched my finger tips to the glass of the window; it was cold to the touch. I sighed loudly and set my forehand onto the cool glass of the window, looking out into a world that used to be so beautiful and glamorous, but now was just repulsive.  
“Good morning, Mr. Buchanan” My doctor sounded from behind me and I turned my head to glare at the man.  
“That’s not my name” I growled at me and he sighed, shaking his head.  
“I thought we’ve been through this, Mr. Buchanan,” He sighed, “We’ve been through this every day for 5 years. You don’t want to accept who you really are, the truth.”  
“What truth?” I questioned bitterly.  
“The truth about what happened all those years ago, Nick,” He came closer to me, “The truth that your name isn’t Caraway, it’s Buchanan.” I slammed my hand onto the table, looking up at the man and giving him a cold glare.  
“Don’t you think I know that!?” I shouted, “That’s the only goddamn thing you’ve been telling me for 5 dreadful years. Daisy isn’t real; everything you know is a lie!” I shook my head and crossed the room to take a seat in a nearby chair. The doctor sighed sadly and moved closer to where I was now sitting.  
“It’s because Daisy doesn’t exist, Mr. Buchanan.” He spoke softly, “You made her up, this entire diluted fantasy world you’ve created, because you can’t cope with what happened all those years ago. You don’t want to blame yourself, so you blamed her. It was always her.”  
“Shut up” I muttered angrily.  
“You’re name is Nick Buchanan. You were married to Tonya Buchanan for four years, before she left you in 1923. You had a daughter together, her name was Jordan.” I got up from my chair and walked over to the door.  
“You’re blocking out your memories, Mr. Buchanan,” The doctor called, “You don’t want to remember what happened. Daisy didn’t kill the man Tonya was having an affair with. You did, Nick, and your friend, Mr. Gatsby, was blamed. You can’t live with yourself knowing you hurt someone you loved so much.” I stopped in my tracks and turned around to face the doctor.  
“Gatsby” A name I haven’t uttered out loud in years passed through my lips and I felt the memories fold back into my mind. Bright blue eyes, golden blonde hair, charming smile, but something seemed different.  
“He’s the man you write about in your stories, Nick,” the doctor came closer to me, “Your best friend, from years ago. You hurt him, and you can’t handle that.” I wanted to block out all that I was hearing.  
“Everything that happened to Daisy in your stories Nick, it’s based off of all of the memories that you’re blocking out. But instead of writing about it happening to you, you pinned it all on Daisy. You are Daisy.” My mind was on fire, memories threatening to spill out and destroy everything I’ve tried so very hard to repress.  
“You don’t want to admit what happened was your fault, Nick” I could feel the tears behind my eyes threaten to fall.  
“I…I don’t…” I sighed and felt a single tear run down my face, Jay appeared in my mind, his smiling face looked broken, but this time instead of Daisy, he was holding me. My barriers were breaking down and there was nothing I could possibly do to stop it.  
I could paint Jay’s loving face in my mind, his strong warm arms wrapped around me, giving me comfort. Arms that I carved to fall into once more and forget the world, but I knew that wouldn’t be possible. The tears were falling faster, drowning me in my eternal sorrow.  
I crossed the room and collapsed onto the couch, closing my eyes, trying desperately to wake up from this nightmare.  
“I…I love him” I muttered, “Our love, our friendship, it wasn’t perfect, it meant everything to me.” What we had was magical, Gatsby was…he was my best friend; I would give anything to have him back. To have what we had back, but he’s gone. Everything I had is gone, and now there’s nothing left that I can do.  
“I know, Mr. Buchanan, I know,” He moved over to the door and opened it slightly; “I think that it’s best that I leave you alone with your thoughts for now.” The doctor left with that, leaving me alone to deal with the memories of what really happened the summer of 1922.  
I relaxed into the couch, keeping my eyes closed, but opening them a minute later. I looked out the window and instead of snowy surroundings I found myself looking at the warm summery beach right next to my home in Long Island, New York.


	2. Chapter 2

It was the summer of 1922. One of the most grand times of my life I'd have to say. Life should have been wonderful; I had been married to an extravagant and wealthy girl, Tonya Buchanan, one of the most beautiful women anyone could ever come across. She could easily cover the front pages of Vogue if she wanted to. Her beautiful ebony locks and startlingly green eyes could catch any man's attention, and she knew that.

I had even been blessed with a beautiful baby girl, who was currently at the darling age of 3 and the splitting image of her mother. A gorgeous baby girl that we had named Jordan. I had a stunning wife, a magnificent daughter, and all the money I could ask for, so why actually was I not happy?

Could it have been that no matter how hard I tried I couldn't even force myself to be attracted to my wife? Anytime I have ever gotten intimate with that woman I'd have to be bling drunk, to the point where I wasn't even aware of who I was sleeping with. The mornings after I could hardly even remember making love with her, if I could even call it that. And my baby girl, who I love so dear, but I can't help feeling that I'll never be able to be the father she'll expect me to be.

Although we had all the money in the world, even I could not find happiness in that, for I craved something much deeper than wealth. Knowing that my cravings would never be satisfied just made my misery grow to a point where I was hardly ever sober, the bottle numbed my pain and blocked out feelings I'd rather just ignore. I drank so often I was surprised I was still breathing, and sometimes I thought if I were to die my burdens would finally be lifted and I would be free. The pain of knowing that there was not a single person in the world to spare their love for you is a certain pain no one should ever have to feel. I wanted to numb my misery and hide it deep within the caverns of my mind.

The only people I had left in the world were Tonya and Jordan. Tonya bring repulsed by me, as I was of her, had been having an affair ever since we moved to Long Island right after we were married. I knew very little of the man she'd been seeing, all I knew was that he lived up in New York and owned some sort of business. She drove up there often, claiming that she was going to visit her sister, ignorant to the fact that I saw through her lies. And Jordan, I wasn't even sure if she was my child or not, and it broke my heart.

Lately I found myself falling deeper into a depression that I could not pull myself out of. Stuck in a rut of drinking and numbness. I wanted more than anything to be pulled out of my torturous state and brought back to what I should have been feeling, but I had no one. Tonya had been out all hours of the night visiting with the man up in New York. Our daughter was to be watched over by her nanny, which left me alone, always.

I never had many friends that lived near me, for I had left anybody I had ever cared for in Chicago four years before when I moved to Long Island with Tonya, but there was only one person in particular that I cared for and she had lived across the bay from me. Her name was Jezebel Caraway, and she was my cousin. I had cared for her so, but you see, it had been rather difficult to be around her. You see, many years before, I had another cousin too, Jezzy's younger sister, Daisy, who had been just a few months younger than me. She had been my best friend from childhood; we had even grown up together back in Chicago. She had been absolutely everything to me.

That is, until she died, when we were eighteen years old. She had committed suicide just a few months after her birthday. It was back when we were still living in Chicago; I had gone over to her house for a visit. When I couldn't find her I wandered aimlessly into the bathroom and found her in the bathtub, soaked and fully clothed with a suicide note sitting not too far from my dear cousin's lifeless body. I remember sitting there holding Daisy in my arms and crying, I stayed there cradling my dear friend, only when Jezzy showed up, and forced me to let go of her did I leave that bathroom and allow her to call an ambulance.

Chicago would never be the same after Daisy's death, nor would I. Not long after the death of my cousin I had met Tonya, rushed into a marriage with her, and moved off to Long Island, never to return back to my hometown. I had taken Tonya's maiden name, for my sir name would always be a reminder of the love I had lost. After that I lost all contact with my family, not that I had really minded, they all just reminded me of my misery.

I hadn't spoken at all with my family, expect for Jezebel, who I had sent letters to throughout the years. Then just a few months before Jez moved to Long Island, leaving me ecstatic because I finally felt as if I would have someone to talk to. I had invited her over to have lunch with me, we were going to have a nice time and catch up after years of being apart.

I looked into the mirror in my bedroom and tightened the simple tie around my neck and smoothed down my chocolate locks. I heard a loud knock sound from my door and I walked over to answer it. One of my butlers stood there with nothing but a blank expression on his face.

"Miss Caraway has arrived, sir" He told me blandly, "She is waiting in the dining hall for you." I smiled cheerfully, excited to spend some time with my cousin.

I left my room and made my way into the dining hall to greet my company. What greeted me was a pair of warm hazel eyes. Jezebel stood from her chair and smiled sweetly, her short, straight, dark brown hair curved around her face, making it look thinner. She was rather tall in stature and rather thin, but she still had a beautifully shaped body. The white dress she was wearing fell to her knees, complementing her curves. But I found myself more focused on another aspect.

Jezebel was different in every way from her younger, belated sister. Daisy had always been sunshine and carefree while Jez tended to be more serious and rather mysterious. Daisy was small and thin while Jez was tall and more curved, but still very thin. Daisy inherited her mother's beautiful golden locks while Jez had her father's dark chocolate curls. They were different in every way, except for one minor detail, their eyes.

Looking into Jezzy's eyes all I could see was Daisy, but I just shook my head, and broke out of the trance I had fallen under. I smiled at Jez and she returned it with an even brighter smile.

"It's wonderful to see you, Jez" I smiled, "Please take a seat, let's eat." We both sat down across from each other at the small, but expensive, table.

"Same to you as well, Nick" She replied sweetly, picking up a fork and stabbing her salad.

"How are things in Chicago?" I asked her and she looked up slowly, getting a distant look in her beautiful hazel eyes.

"Well thing certainly haven't been the same since what happened" She started, "You know that of course, my mother and father miss you though. As do your parents."

"I miss them as well" I murmured as I started to move around the salad on my plate with my fork, "I can't believe it's been almost four years since I last saw them."

"Crazy isn't it?" Jezzy inquired and I nodded. The rest of lunch was quite nice. Jezzy and I talked almost as if it hadn't been so long since we last saw each other. After lunch we took a walk through the gardens together, we had been inside together laughing for hours, it was actually starting to grow dark outside.

"Why did you leave us in Chicago, Nick?" Jez asked suddenly after walking in silence for several minutes.

"I had to," I started, "Tonya had to move here for work, you know that." Jez made a repulsed face.

"Why did you marry her, Nick?" She asked me, sounding so very serious.

"I…well," I thought for a second "Because I…love her." The words slipped bitterly off my tongue.

"Do you?" She questioned, "Or did you leave because even though it was 8 years after my sister's death you still couldn't bear to live there any longer. So you moved far away with a cold woman, took her name, and tried to rid yourself of the pain."

"I…" I sighed taking a seat on a nearby bench along with Jezzy, "I wanted to think that I loved her. But I guess I just loved the idea of leaving that life behind. You must hate me."

"Nick, dear" She whispered, "I could never hate you. Ever. You are my family, like a brother. I don't blame you for leaving, if I would have had a similar opportunity I would have done the same thing."

"Thank you, Jez" I whispered to her and she smiled sweetly at me.

"So, pardon my asking," She began and looked up at the darkening sky above us, "but did you actually ever love her, Tonya, I mean." I sighed and looked down at the ground for a moment.

"Well," I started and looked at Jez, "I'd like to think that once I did. But after all these years spent together I can't bring myself to think such a thing." I looked up at the sky.

"No, Jez" I muttered, "I never loved that woman, same goes for her, she only ever used me." Jez set a warm and comforting hand on my shoulder, as if she was trying to tell me she was sorry.

I felt tears behind my eyes dying to escape, but I held them back desperately not wanting to break down.

"Why don't you come over to my place for the night, you could really use a night away from this place." Leaving, if only for a little while, sounded extremely pleasant in that moment. It's not like Tonya would have noticed, she would have probably been out all night anyway, and even if she had arrived home her and I had separate bedrooms, we barely ever saw each other.

"I…I would love that, Jezzy" I whispered and she smiled one of her heartwarming smiles and stood up taking me with her. I quickly packed a bag and called up a taxi not long after that we had been on our way across the bay to Jezzy's home.

About an hour later or so we arrived outside her darkened home. It was small, but still rather quaint. We got out of the taxi and paid the driver, making our way over to her house, but before we had even made it through the door I noticed what sounded like people shouting and faint music. I looked up to see a very large mansion, almost like a castle, lit up entirely with bright lights.

"Hey, Jezzy, what's going on over there?" I questioned. She looked over at the house and shrugged.

"Oh, that's my neighbor's house," She stated, "He must be having another party."

"A party?" I inquired. I stepped away from her door and moved across her porch to get a party look at the house.

"Yes, Gatsby is certainly known for his extravagant parties" She walked over by me, "let's go check it out."

"Oh, Jezzy we wouldn't want to intrude on his party." She shook her head and smiled.

"Nonsense!" She exclaimed and jumped off the porch, "You need no invitation for Gatsby's parties. Come along, let's go!" She started walking over to the house, I sighed, giving in and following her over to the large castle-like house.


	3. Chapter 3

When we arrived at the party I had been absolutely amazed at the beauty and glamour of the events before me. The glitz and the glitter that surrounded me had completely taken my breath away.

The party was filled with a rainbow of guests, from models to movie stars to owners of huge corporations. There were people dancing, drinking, and making complete fools of themselves. Carefree and young, not a worry to cross their minds. Women were dressed in beautiful extravagant gowns, men dressed in expensive suits.

It was truly a night to remember, but it would easily be forgotten thanks to the fog of alcohol that fell over the party. Jezzy and I wandered throughout the party aimlessly. We stopped to talk to guests, to dance, or to have a drink. It was certainly a lot of fun, I'd have to say.

But I couldn't stop wondering while I was there who this mysterious Mr. Gatsby was exactly. I had even tried asking guests I had encountered throughout the party. But the answers I had received weren't exactly the ones I was looking for. Not one person at this person could tell you one single truth about the infamous Mr. Gatsby. Every person I had asked had a different story, a different tale to tell, a different version of the man behind the beautiful parties.

"He was a war hero!" Sounded a well-dressed man.

"No, no he was a spy for the Germans!" Shouted a woman in a beautiful gold gown.

"No, he was an Oxford man!" Sounded another.

"I heard he killed a man!" Giggled a young woman.

I sighed loudly and turned to my dear cousin who had her nose buried into a drink, listening to some man near her.

"No one really seems to know anything true about this Mr. Gatsby" My cousin shrugged slightly and took a sip of her drink.

"There are many rumors about him, yes" She muttered dully looking at her now empty glass.

""Have any of these people even met the man?" She shrugged again and I followed her as she went to fill her glass.

"Most of them no, Gatsby is quite mysterious, I suppose. Never really one to show his face at these parties."

"And why is that?" She had the bartender fill her glass before she turned back to me.

"Well, I'm not exactly sure" She took a drink of her now full glass.

"Have you ever met him?" I inquired

"A few times, yes" She started, "he's a kind enough man, always been nothing but a gentleman" I wanted to know more and I wasn't getting the answers I so desired. A few moments later my cousin disappeared into the massive crowds of people. Alone, embraced and distraught, I had decided to get blind drunk.

I would drink anything the bartender would hand to me. I wandered throughout the party in a daze. I stopped here and there to dance with strangers and make a fool of myself, but somehow I found myself sitting at an abandoned table staring blindly into a crowd of people, starting to sober up slightly so I could still make out my surroundings.

I looked at faces, never seeming to recognize anyone in particular. I got up from the table I had no member of sitting down at and searched throughout the party desperately looking for my cousin. Giving up, I sighed in defeat. I was alone, confused, drunk, and still I couldn't find anyone who could tell me who Mr. Gatsby was, or where to find him.

I walked up the some steps, leading to god knows where, and I somehow I accidently bumped into a man, taller than me, whose face I somehow could not make out.

"Oh, pardon me, old sport" He called and helped me up, I rubbed my eyes and shook my head slightly.

"Oh that's alright" I told him

"Are you enjoying yourself, old sport?" He asked me suddenly and I shrugged slightly.

"I suppose so," I murmured, "You see I seem to have lost my cousin, and can't seem to find this host, Mr. Gatsby. Everyone seems to have some sort of story about him. A German spy, a killer, second cousin to the devil." He laughed slightly and shook his head.

"Oh, pardon me, old sport," He smiled, "I seem to not be a very good host, you see, I'm Gatsby." I looked up at the man in udder disbelief. My throat closing up and my heartbeat quickening. His smile was one of those smiles that you might only come across a few times in your lifetime. He definitely wasn't what I expected him to be either. Young, rich men didn't really just appear out of nowhere. His golden locks were gelled back, his bright blue eyes shined brightly as he smiled.

"I'm very sorry, old sport," he apologized, "I thought you knew." I shook my head and smiled at him in my drunken haze.

"No, no, it's alright." I muttered and he smiled again, I felt my heart skip a beat. He was beautiful, completely and utterly beautiful. I had expected him to be an older man, well into his years, but he couldn't be older than 30.

"Oh, Nick!" I heard a female voice call, breaking me from my trance, Jezebel ran up to me, "I've been looking everywhere for you."

"Hello, Miss Caraway" Gatsby smiled at her and she nodded.

"Hello, Gatsby," She looked to me and then back at him, "it's certainly nice to see you again."

"It's certainly nice to see you as well," He whispered to her with a sort of smirk and I looked at Jezzy curiously, "I was just talking to Nick here, you two are cousins, aren't you?"

"How did you know that?" I questioned.

"Oh, I've mentioned you once or twice" She looked at me and smiled sweetly, but I felt as if there was something that I had been missing.

"Oh, I see" I mumbled slightly and looked down bashfully. For some reason unknown to me I found myself feeling extremely nervous around the man before me, but at the same time I couldn't stop gawking at his beauty, how strange.

"Well, I just came to find you because it was getting late, and I thought you might want to get back home and rest."

"It is getting quite late, isn't it?" Gatsby sounded and I looked nervously up at him, what's going on with me, snap out of it Nick, "Here, I'll walk you two out." Gatsby led my cousin and I out of the party and across his property and over to my cousin's home. She walked over to the house to unlock the door, I was about to follow her when I felt Gatsby's hand on my shoulder, I turned around to face him.

"Jezebel's told me that you haven't many friends here, old sport." He whispered softly and I shrugged.

"Well, yeah, I suppose I don't." I mumbled.

"Well, how about we go up in my hydroplane tomorrow, it might be nice, how does ten o'clock work for you, old sport?" I smiled slightly up at the man and nodded slowly.

"It, it works just fine, thank you," He smiled, "I'm looking forward to spending some time with you."

"I look forward to it as well," I blushed, "Goodnight, old sport. I'll see you in the morning." And with that he left, disappearing back into his castle-like home. Then I found myself lying awake in Jezebel's guest room, a blushing mess, unable to fall asleep after a long night, finding myself unable to wait to see Gatsby in the morning.


	4. Chapter 4

Sunlight fell from the window filling with room with udder most beauty, shining bright and letting those inside know it's time to get up. I opened my heavy eyelids and rubbed the sleep from them, I had slept restlessly, I had tossed and turned all night. I found myself rather restless after the events of last night's party.

I had finally had the pleasure of meeting the charming and mysterious Mr. Gatsby, my cousin's next door neighbor. I found myself rather curious and very infatuated with this man. I wanted to know more of him and these grand parties he seems to constantly throw. I know very little of this man, we were only able to talk for a few short moments before Jezebel had showed up, but when he walked us home he ended up inviting me to go up in his hydroplane today, which was rather odd, seeing as I had barely known the man for more than ten minutes, but still I was looking forward to spending time him.

He ended up showing up at my cousin's door the exact time he said he would, and we did go up in the hydroplane. We had conversations, but never anything that went into depth. We had even ended up going out to dinner that night. I found myself visiting my cousin more often than necessary just so I'd have an excuse to see the man. He was distant, and closed off, but it intrigued me so. I needed to know more, I had to know more. For whatever reason I had to be around him.

I had even attended two more of his parties, but still I found myself knowing barely anything about Gatsby. That is, until one day when I was down visiting Jezebel did he show up outside her door, inviting me to go into town to have lunch with him. I had agreed eagerly, maybe too eagerly, making myself feel rather desperate, but in that moment I didn't really care. He opened the door to the passenger side of his car, smiling sweetly at me as I got in, and closing it behind me and proceeding to get into the driver's seat and started to drive towards the city.

We drove in silence for a while, Gatsby never really did have much to say, we had shared many conversations but still he never really went into depth. He looked over me and sighed, a conflicted look glinting in his beautiful ocean eyes, I shook my head mentally.

"Look here, old sport," He broke out surprisingly, "What's your opinion of me, anyhow?" I was surprised by this question, and tried desperately searching for the answer.

"Well, I'm going to tell you something about my life," he interrupted. "I don't want you to get a wrong idea of me from all these stories you hear."

"I'll tell you God's truth." His right hand suddenly ordered divine retribution to stand by. "I am the son of some wealthy people in the Middle West-sadly, they're all dead now. I was brought up in America but educated at Oxford, because all my ancestors have been educated there for many years. It is a family tradition."

No wonder everybody always thought he was lying, the way he talked, it was hard to believe in what he was saying.

"When my family died I ran into a great deal of money," He turned a sharp corner, "Then came the war, old sport. It was a great relief, and I tried very hard to die, but I seemed to bear an enchanted life." He rambled on about the war, and such, then he reached in his pocket, and handed me a metal from his pocket.

"That's the one from Montenegro."

"Turn it"

"Major Jay Gatsby," I read, "For Valour Extraordinary."

"Here's another thing I always carry. A souvenir of my Oxford days." He handed me a photograph of a dozen young men, himself included. I was surprised at the authenticity of the photograph. This must all be true then, everything he's telling me actually happened.

"Why are you telling me all of this?" I questioned

"Listen here, old sport," He told me and leaned over slightly, "I didn't want you to think that I was some nobody."

"I could never think that of you" He smiled brightly and I blushed slightly, embarrassed at the fact that I had said that out loud. The rest of the drive was silent, but it was peaceful. I watched as the world passed before my eyes. The elegance and beauty of New York City. I had never seen it in such a way, and being here with Gatsby just seemed to make it all the better. We arrived in town not long after and Gatsby pulled up to a beautiful extravagant restaurant. We made our way inside, and were seated at the best table in the room. We then sat in silence, sipping water and staring at the ground.

"Tell me something about you, Nick" Gatsby said suddenly, somewhat startling me, seeing as we had been sitting in silence for some time.

"Like what?" I asked

"What are your dreams, your goals?" I shrugged slightly.

"I haven't any," I took a drink of my water, "I gave up on all that nonsense a long time ago."

"And why is that?" He questioned

"I'm not sure, I just suppose I never had much to dream about." He nodded slowly and looked deep into my eyes. I blushed fiercely, my stomach doing backflips. I wanted to break the hold he had on me but for whatever reason I couldn't bear to tear my eyes away from the beauty this man held.

"Is it that so?" He asked softly, "or did you just never have the confidence to follow the dreams that you do have?" His eyes saw completely threw my soul, seeing things nobody else could.

"I…suppose that could be the truth." I still couldn't break our stare. There was something about those eyes. The way they studied me leaving me completely vulnerable, it was addicting. The way he looked at me, was the way I had always wished for someone to look at me. He looked at me the way everybody wanted to be looked at.

"Fill your glass sir?" A man asked Gatsby and we both looked away from each other, the trance was broken.

"So, Jezebel tells me you're married?" Gatsby asked after the waiter had left.

"Yes, I've been married for a few years now" I muttered rather blandly, not wishing to talk about the woman I called my wife.

"And how is that going for you?" He asked.

"Um, well" I sighed, "It's um, it's going alright."

"Why not great?" He asked, "A young, handsome, newly wed like you, life should be wonderful."

"It should, shouldn't it?" I muttered.

"What is it that makes you so unhappy?" He asked me and I was rather taken aback by the question. No one has ever really bothered to ask me about why exactly, I feel this way.

"It's, well, the feeling of loneliness, of knowing that you made a mistake you can never take back, and having to live with that mistake every day. Knowing that you are a complete failure and not even your own wife can love you." He laid a hand over mine and looked into my eyes. I blushed wildly.

"You are a lot of things, Nick," He told me, "But you are not a failure, and any woman who isn't capable of loving a charming, and handsome young man like yourself is a fool." I smiled. Not forced, not smiling just to be polite, but I smiled to let this man know that his words touched me. He smiled in return, making me blush slightly, his hand was still on mine, and for whatever reason I found myself hoping dearly that he would not move it.

Lunch went by in a blur, laughing and talking with this beautiful man I had known for not more than a month. Talking like we had known each other for years, and opening up to him more than I ever had with anyone else besides my dear belated cousin.

Eventually we somehow ended up back at his mansion, sitting near his pool and staring up at the beautiful night sky. I looked over at the man and studied him as he watched the stars. The way his eyes sparkled in the moonlight, the way he smiled so softly and delicately. Suddenly he turned to look at me, and winked, I looked away bashfully, feeling embarrassed that I had been caught staring.

He laughed softly and tilted my chin so I would be forced to look up at him. My heart beat fiercely in my chest and I swallowed hard. His smile slowly fell from his slips as he stared into my eyes. Then slowly he moved closer to me, I could hear his breathing, and could almost see his soul through those beautiful blue eyes. Then ever so slowly did he move close enough that his soft lips landed on mine in a chaste kiss, never had I ever felt more wonderful than I did in that moment, with his lips on mine, moving fluently. It felt as if we had been frozen in that position forever, with nobody else in the world but us, nobody else mattered in that moment, only him.

He pulled away seconds later, looking deep into my eyes and blushing wildly. I swallowed hard and returned his gaze.

"I, I'm terribly sorry, old sport," He apologized quickly, looking down and breaking our gaze, "I don't know what came over me." My heart was pounding in my chest, the realization that we had just shared a kiss finally dawning on me. The thought should disgust me, this wasn't right. I shouldn't be feeling this way for someone I'd barely known for a month, a man no less, but I couldn't control it.

"J-Jay, I.."

"It's getting terribly late," He stood up, cutting me off, "why don't I walk you back?" He ran a hand through his golden hair and shook his head, obviously confused and distorted about the events that had just occurred. He held out a hand and helped me up from the ground. I smiled softly, but it was forced. I wanted him to know that he had no reason to be sorry, I didn't want him to be sorry. I liked when he kissed me, and it was wrong, but somehow I didn't care. I didn't care because all I wanted was him.

He walked me back to my cousin's house in silence, every now and then would he look down at me, looking as if he might say something, but then shooting down the idea before he had a chance.

We reached the house and stood silently not a few feet from it, neither of us wanting to leave, too afraid to utter a word.

"Thank you for joining me today, Nick," He set a hand on my shoulder, "Again, I'm very sorry for my behavior." I waved him off and shook my head.

"You have no reason to be sorry, Jay," I sighed, "I had a wonderful time today. Thank you for inviting me, it was a lot of fun. I really hope we can do this again soon."

"Of course, Nick," He smiled down at me, "Have a good night." He leaned down and left a peck on my cheek. He turned to leave and made his way across the yard and back over to his mansion. I sighed sadly and stared longingly after him. The feelings I was having was wrong, I was married, I had a child, this whole idea was just wrong.

But he made me feel more loved than anyone ever could, this man, who I barely knew had made me feel so alive, so real. Making me feel as if life was worth living again. He cared for me, I could see it in his eyes. I wanted to be with him, I wanted him to kiss me like he did tonight.

I wished the world was different, I wished I could be with him and leave the cold woman I called my wife, but what if he didn't desire me and kissing me was just a mistake? No, I shouldn't think like this.

I sighed again and made my way over to the door of Jezebel's house, turning around one last time to get a glimpse of Gatsby's castle-like home, and wished to myself that maybe one day I could call that home as well.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I took a couple passages from the actual book and added it in this chapter. I take no credit for it, all credit goes to Mr. F. Scott Fitzgerald.


	5. Chapter 5

I sat lost in thoughts at my abandoned dining table, staring aimlessly at nothing. I stared into my glass of water, and then took a sip; I've been trying to sober up lately. The more I'm drunk the less I can see Gatsby, and I was having none of that. Not that it really mattered anyway; I haven't seen much of the man since the night that he had kissed me.

I had gone over to his house the following morning, to see him before I went back home, but he seemed distant, like he didn't want to see me. It's been a little over a week since the incident, I'd wanted to go back to Gatsby, to settle things and talk it out, but I was afraid. I was afraid that he regretted it and thus, regretted being around me. I couldn't bear to lose someone whom I had become so close to that in my mind I decided that if I don't go to see him then he can't leave me.

It's ridiculous that I was even doing this, so love struck over a man I've known for only a couple of months, a goddamn man. I was a fool, falling for the first person to show me they care, and I've messed it all up. He's a rich, handsome, and successful bachelor; he could have any person he wanted, why the hell would he choose someone like me? I can't even believe that I'm thinking like this, I'm losing my goddamn mind over this man.

I sighed out of frustration and took another drink of my water. Then jumped slightly, when I heard a low feminine voice clear her throat. I could almost feel my skin crawl with utter disgust. I looked up to see her cold emerald eyes staring me directly at me, her sinful red lips turning up into a startling smile that made my stomach turn. Her ebony locks fell in waves around her face, falling ever so slightly into her eyes with every step she took.

The glittering silver dress she wore fell to her knees, complimenting her thin figure, a dress so expensive, and so extravagant. Quite odd to wear just lounging around at home, but she never really was one for modesty.

"Hello, Nick, dear" She called to me, her voice cool and calm. My eyes narrowed slowly.

"Tonya" I acknowledged her and she walked slowly over to where I was sitting. She looked me over some before looking back into my eyes.

"Am I…interrupting something?" She inquired and I shook my head.

"No, no, I was just sitting here doing some thinking" I replied dully, her cold eyes narrowed just slightly.

"Oh," She looked over to the door for a moment before looking back at me, "then you won't mind if I take a seat then."

"Um, no," I gestured to a chair near me, "take a seat"

"Thank you" She muttered

"This is an odd occurrence," I picked up my glass, "seeing you at home that is, you always seem to be out and about nowadays"

"I could say the same to you" she pointed out, "where is it that you always seem to be, Nick?"

"I go out to visit, Jezebel" I retort, "She's my cousin, you know. We're very close."

"I don't buy that for a second," She snarled, "you're seeing someone aren't you?"

"I don't see why that's any of your concern, Tonya" I glared back at her.

"It is my concern," she hissed, "I am your wife!" I laughed at that.

"You sure don't act like it!" I yelled back, "I know about your affair, Tonya! What do you take me for, an idiot?!"

"Yes, actually," She muttered, "You're just a good for nothing man I met four years ago that I married to get my parents off my back so I could get my money. What did you think I married you for anyway? Your looks? Hardly."

"You will never be half the man, Martin is," She scoffed, "He's a much better father too, Jordan isn't even your daughter, she's his. He really knows how to treat a woman. He doesn't just get drunk all day and make a complete ass of himself!" I stood from my chair, fighting back tears and turned towards the door.

"That's right run, run back to your whore!" She yelled from behind me, "But just remember this, Nick, you're a failure! You're nothing, you're worthless! And no one will ever love you. Hell, your own wife couldn't even love you! Your daughter hates you, and your own cousin hated you enough that she killed herself." The tears were falling now, gracefully falling onto my cheeks and onto the floor. A river of misery falling from my eyes that never ended. I turned around angrily and stared Tonya dead in the eye.

"Why don't you just leave me!?" I screamed, "Everyone else has!"

"Because, Nick, sweetheart," she cooed innocently, "Catholics don't believe in divorce." I glared at her and stormed out of the dining hall and into my bedroom. The tears wouldn't stop the sadness, pain, and pure anger boiled inside of me. I ripped a hand through my hair angrily and screamed. I threw thing, anything I could get my hands, glass hit the wall and I cut my hand, but I couldn't even feel the pain.

Tonya was right, everything about me is wrong, I'm just a failure, and I'm worthless. My daughter isn't even my daughter, no one wants me, and no one loves me. There's no point there's no hope for me. I stormed out of my room in a blind rage; I ran out of the house and into the garage and grabbed the keys to the first vehicle I saw. I drove madly throughout the streets, unaware of where exactly I was driving to.

Until I found myself sitting outside of Jezebel's house in my car, staring blankly at the small cottage, tears still falling fast. I needed someone right now, anyone, I just needed comfort from this pain that consumed me.

I got out of my car and slammed the door shut behind me; I ran up to Jezebel's door and knocked violently. No answer. The tears kept falling fast, drowning me. I tried opening the door but it was locked, I started banging on the door, hoping that my dear cousin would come open it and give me the comfort I needed so. But she wasn't there, she was gone, off to who knows where, leaving me completely alone and hurt with no one to turn to.

I banged on the door one last time before sliding down slowly, sitting against her door. I sobbed into my hands, and started to wheeze. I curled myself into a ball next to her door, and fell apart. A moment later I looked up at the darkened sky then turned my head to see Gatsby's mansion lit up in lights next door, it was quiet, so he must not be having another party. I sighed heavily and helped myself up.

I wasn't sure what I was thinking in that moment but I needed someone so desperately I was willing to do anything. I jumped off Jezebel's porch and ran over to Gatsby's house. I ran up to his front door and knocked several times. I stood there, pain consuming my mind, tears falling helplessly down waiting at the door for a man I wasn't even sure even cared for me.

What was I going to say? What if a butler answered and questioned me? What if he wasn't even here? Maybe he went out with Jezebel. I shouldn't even let him see me, I'm a complete wreck, imagine what he'd think of me. But before I could turn to leave the huge doors to his home opened and instead of meeting a middle age butler there stood Gatsby, his blonde hair surprisingly not gelled back, dressed in somewhat casual clothing, his bright blue eyes grew worried as his eyes landed on the sight of me.

"Nick?" He called out to me, "What is it, old sport?" I wasn't sure what it was, but at that moment all of my emotions hit me at once and I cried harder. I shook my head violently, my knees grew weak and I started to fall.

"Nick!" He moved quickly to catch me before I fell, "come here, old sport. Come inside." He led me into his house and over to a nearby sofa. He held me as I cried, whispering soothing words into my ear, trying to calm me down. My violent sobbing soon turned into soft hiccupping, and I now breathed at a normal pace, soft sobs here and there.

"I-I'm sorry, Jay," I muttered softly, "I-uh…I shouldn't have come here, I'm sorry." I moved to get up but he but a hand on my shoulder, pulling me back onto the sofa with him.

"There's no need to apologize, Nick," He said softly, "What I'm most concerned with is what had you so upset in the first place, what is it, Nick? I'm worried about you?" I shrugged slightly and sighed, running a hand through my hair.

"I…I just" I shook my head, attempting to clear my mind of its racing thoughts, "I had a fight with someone and they said some things that really um…that really hurt me. I went to Jezebel's house but she wasn't there, and I didn't know where else to go and I'm so sorry to bother you I just-.." He put his hand up, cutting me off.

"Stop apologizing, Nick," He put his hand over mine, "I'm very glad that you came here. I care very deeply about you, old sport. I want to help you." I smiled for the first time since I had barged into Gatsby's house, he smiled as well. He brought his hand up to my cheek, caressing it lovingly, I relaxed into his touch.

He leaned in and kissed me softly, his lips moving fluently with mine as I ran my fingers through his golden hair. He leaned over me pushing me further down onto the sofa. Gatsby pulled away. He looked at me lustfully. Things were getting heated and I could feel a certain tightness grow in my pants. I blushed wildly, as did Gatsby. He cleared his throat.

"S-sorry about that, old sport" He ran a hand through his hair, attempting to fix it. My heart was beating madly in my chest, a blush still burning on my cheeks. I sat up from the sofa, turning, attempting to hide the bulge in my pants.

"No-no need to a-apologize, Jay" I mumbled, embarrassed, he smiled sweetly and ran his hand through my hair.

"Listen, Nick," He said running his hand absent mindedly through my hair, "If you don't feel comfortable going home tonight you're welcome to stay here."

"Oh, Jay, I wouldn't want to intrude" He shook his head.

"No, old sport, you wouldn't be intruding, I insist" I looked away bashfully.

"Well alright," I mumbled, "if it isn't too much trouble." He removed his hand from my hair and took my hand.

"Not at all, old sport," He stood up, taking me with him, "come along; I'll find you a room." He led me throughout his massive house before stopping in front of a massive wooden door. He then opened it to reveal a large bedroom with a kind sized bed sitting in the middle of the room.

"This is the best I can do for now" He turned to me and smiled softly.

"This is more than enough, Jay," I smiled, "Thank you so much for letting me stay tonight."

"It's not a problem, old sport," He turned to leave the room but stopped at the doorway, "if you need anything I'm right down the hall."

"Alright, thank you," I walked over to Gatsby and leaned up, barely reaching I kissed his cheek softly, "Goodnight, Jay"

He smiled brightly and leaned down pecking my lips, "Goodnight, old sport. Sleep well." With that he left, closing the door behind him.


	6. Chapter 6

I woke up to the bright morning sunlight pooling through the windows and hitting my closed eyes, waking me up from the depths of my dreams, I sat up on the oft mattress beneath me and rubbed the sleep from my eyes. I studied my surroundings carefully, wondering briefly about where exactly I had woken up, a soft blush appearing on my cheeks when I remembered exactly where I was and how I got there. What a fool I had been, I wasn’t even sure what I was thinking last night, bursting in on Gatsby. Then again I really wasn’t thinking at all.   
I had been so blinded by the hate filled words Tonya had lashed at me. I wondered briefly to myself how I had gotten into this rut I was living in, married to someone that despised me so, and I in return loathed. Living a lie, running out in the middle of the night to a man I had somehow fallen helplessly for. I wanted to slap myself, I wanted to bring myself back to reality and escape from this insanity that my life had become.   
I found myself wishing dearly that this was all a dream, that I wasn’t living here in New York with Tonya, but really I was 18 again, back in Chicago, that my beloved cousin hadn’t taken her life, that somehow I still had a chance at life again. The path I had chosen in life had been controlled by grief, my need to forget the tragic events of my past I had chosen a life of loneliness and misery.   
The depression sunk into my mind, devouring my soul and every hope I held to become someone different. I wanted to scream out for help, and beg for someone to rescue me from drowning in my own eternal sorrow. I felt pathetic, the way that depression had consumed me and made me helpless, overtaking my entire mind whenever I had too much time to think. I sighed, and then stood up quickly, walking over to the mirror to attempt to get a look at myself. Frankly, I looked like I had been to hell and back. Big gray bags circled the under my eyes, my brunet hair sticking up in odd angles. I was still dressed in my outfit from the day before, seeing as I really didn’t have anything other choice but to sleep in this. I ran a hand through my hair attempting to smooth it down.   
I heard someone clear their throat and I jumped, turning around quickly. Sighing in relief when I realized it was only Gatsby. He stood in the doorway, fully dressed in an expensive looking gray suit, his golden blonde hair gelled back, he smiled sweetly at me, his ocean eyes studying me.   
“Good morning, old sport,” He called over to me, “Did you sleep well?” I nodded slowly and started to walk towards him.   
“Yes, I did,” I looked up at him and smiled, “Again, thank you so much for your hospitality, I’m very sorry for showing up so suddenly last night.”   
“What have I told you, old sport?” He sighed, “Stop apologizing for something that clearing wasn’t your fault. I am very glad that you decided to come to me, now I’d appreciate it if you’d drop it.” I nodded again and dropped my gaze, staring intently at the ground.   
“Now come and have some breakfast with me, you must be hungry” He smiled grabbed my hand and I only nodded as he led me down to the dining hall, and we ate breakfast together. We shared more conversations, talking back and forth about nothing of particular interest, but somehow in the conversation we had decided that we were going to spend the day together, which relived me greatly. If I had to leave I wouldn’t know what to do with myself, I wouldn’t want to bother Jezebel and my only other option would to be go home, the last place I would want to be.  
True, it’s very unlikely that Tonya would be there, but I just can’t bring myself to be in that environment as of right now, because somehow I feel as if, no matter how dramatic it may sound, if I were to return I wouldn’t make it back out alive.   
Gatsby had suggested that we just spend time at his house, and we did. We spent time in the library reading poetry; we had gone for a walk through his courtyard and even gone for a drive. It was nice to spend time with my friend; it had been a long time since I’ve shared such a relationship with another person.   
Getting to know more about the man little by little was a great experience, but even still something about Gatsby had me confused. He was the first person that I had ever met who had such a positive outlook on the world before us, a sense of hope that I have never seen another human being possess. He looked onto the world with a sort of optimism that was almost shocking. He saw nothing in the way of getting exactly what he wanted out of life, nothing keeping him from achieving everything he’s ever hoped for, and for that I was envious of him.   
The man so selfless, caring, and goodhearted, putting anybody he could think of before himself. A man willingly letting someone he’s barely known for a few months into his home without a second thought. But maybe I had been mistaken, maybe it wasn’t his selflessness that led him to caring so much for me, but yet something else that made me stick out from everyone else, it was a foolish thought but there wasn’t any other way to explain it.   
Could I be special? I didn’t think so, there was nothing special about a morbidly depressed 30 year old man, the thought itself made me want to laugh. Why would Gatsby ever want to be with someone like me? He could have anyone he wanted to, beautiful women, even men, he was rich, young, and handsome, he could have literally anyone he so desired, why the hell would he choose me? Maybe it was just pity, he pitied the fact that I was so lonely and so consumed by pain that now I can’t even remember what it’s like to be happy. It’s not like I know what he feels for me; Gatsby has this certain thing about him, where he’s constantly wearing a mask, covering up everything he wouldn’t want anyone else to see.  
In my opinion, out of every person that I have ever come across in my lifetime, he was the most difficult to read. Only once have I ever seen something other than staged happiness appear on his features, last night after we had shared a kiss, only then did I see some sort of feeling on his face, but it was gone in a matter of seconds. What I would give to know how he felt about me, I was driving myself insane not knowing if he held feelings for me or if he just pitied me.   
But at the same time I was relieved that I didn’t know, because if I had gotten my hopes up only to receive nothing I don’t know if I would be able to handle it. I foolishly let myself fall helplessly and grow attached to the man and if he were to reject me I don’t know what I would do with myself.   
Day grew to night and I found myself standing on Gatsby’s porch, staring aimlessly across the bay. I sighed sadly, knowing that I would have to leave soon and return to my hell, my stomach felt tight and I wanted to vomit, just the thought of returning made me sick.   
Gatsby came up behind me and set a hand on my shoulder and I jumped slightly, turning around quickly, he just chuckled and moved to stand next to me.   
“Everything alright, old sport?” He questioned and I nodded slowly breaking my gaze away from the bay.   
“Yes…yes everything’s alright” I mumbled, “Jay, would you mind if I asked you something?”  
“No, no not at all old sport,” He shook his head, “You may ask whatever you want.”  
“Why exactly have you been so kind to me?” I inquired, “I mean, don’t think that I’m not grateful for what you’ve done for me, but why? Most other people would never think to show someone like me such kindness.”  
“It’s because I care about you, old sport” He told me and I shook my head, sighing.  
“No, I know that,” I sighed, “Why do you care about me? What is it about me? Because I see nothing at all worth desiring, I don’t see why you would show me such kindness.”  
“Nick,” He said sternly, and set a comforting hand on my back, “It’s everything about you. You’re a good man, even if you don’t believe so. You try so hard to be the perfect person and in doing so you let other people hurt you and let their lies consume you. You’re a kind person who has endured so much pain, why wouldn’t I show you kindness?”  
“Do you pity me?” I asked surprised at my sudden outburst “Is this what this is all about? Have you only showed me kindness because of the things I have endured? I don’t need your pity Gatsby, I…I don’t need-…” He held up his hand, cutting me off.  
“Nick, I don’t pity you,” He told me softly, “I may be sorry that you’ve been hurt so badly by the people in your life and were forced to give up your dreams-which reminds me, have you decided what your dream is?” I shrugged.   
“I wanted to be a writer” I told him  
“Then what’s stopping you from doing just that?” He asked me and I scoffed.  
“A hell of a lot of things, I just have to accept that this is the life that I’ve chosen and there’s nothing I can do about that.”   
“Are you sure about that, old sport?” He asked me, “Your life isn’t over, there’s nothing stopping you from becoming what you’ve always wanted.” Then he smiled at me, that heartwarming smile that made my heart halt in my chest and my mind go blank. A smile I would kill to wake up to every morning and fall asleep to every night, a smile that I wanted to see on his face for the rest of my life. His hand found mine and nonchalantly laced our fingers together.   
The world around us seemed to slow down, everyone else disappeared, no more worries, no more responsibilities, just the two of us together staring deeply into each other’s eyes. He moved then and slowly set his lips on mine, lips moving fluently I let a low moan escape my throat. His arms wrapped around me holding me close to him as we kissed the need to breath soon became more important than our need for each other and we broke away.   
I stared up into his beautiful blue eyes and blushed wildly; I swallowed hard, unable to break his gaze.   
“Jay, I need to tell you something” I couldn't stop the words from flowing off my tongue.   
“What is it, old sport?” He questioned and I took a deep breath, my heart beating fiercely in my chest.   
“I…I think I’m in love with you”


	7. Chapter 7

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Pretty much just smut

“I…I think I’m in love with you”  
Gatsby looked at me, somewhat shocked by what I had just said. My face turned bright red as the realization of what I had just said dawned on me. Oh god, what was I thinking. The silence between us grew awkward quickly and my heart sunk, accepting the fact that I had been rejected.   
“I…I’m terribly sorry, Jay, I wasn’t-…” His lips slammed forcefully against mine, taking me by surprise. My eyes widened before closing, his lips moved with mine, my heart beating wildly in my chest I grabbed onto his hair, pulling slightly. He moaned slightly, pulling me closer to him. The need to breathe became too much and we pulled away. Both of us breathing hard he moved to my neck leaving soft kisses and red marks on the sensitive skin. I gasped, pulling him close; I could feel a certain tightness start to grow in my pants.  
He pulled away from me briefly, smirking at my current state; I had to fight from rolling my eyes. He took my hand and looked deep into my eyes, I was so caught up in the moment that I barely registered what he was saying.   
“Would you like to take this inside, old sport?” I just nodded weakly as he pulled me into his house and up the stairs towards his bedroom. I had never been in his room before and I had to say it was rather different from every other aspect of his home. Everywhere else seemed to be decked out in glitz and glamour, but in here, it was just normal, I liked it. I drew my eyes away from studying his room only for them to land back on Gatsby, who was currently loosening his tie.   
He walked back over to me, and moved his hand up to caress my cheek. I breathed hard as his lips drew closer to my ear, his warm breath on my neck. I shivered as he whispered sweet nothings into my ear.   
“You are so beautiful, Nick,” He cooed, his lips moving down to my neck, his hands making quick work of unbuttoning my shirt, “So, so beautiful” I moaned softly as he started to nip at the sensitive skin. His arms enveloped me, pushing my shirt off of me, I watched as it lay discarded on the floor, easily forgotten. My gaze fell back on Gatsby as he took my hand once more and led me towards his large, luxurious bed which stood not a few feet away from where we were standing.   
He gently pushed me down onto the soft material of the mattress, he moved on top of me, his lips hovering above mine before they collided, my body enveloped with flames, letting him take full control of the kiss. He pushed his tongue into my mouth, slightly brushing his tongue against the roof of my mouth, I moaned. He pulled away slightly to suck on my bottom lip before pulling away completely, only to move back down to my neck, leaving gentle nips and kisses before moving down my chest.   
He kissed down my chest, his fingers playing with the sensitive buds of my nipples. I bucked into me, moaning loudly, he chuckled. He smiled, moving back to my lips and pecked me softly. I reached up and started to unbutton his shirt, eager to rid him of the material between myself and his skin.   
I opened his shirt to reveal his beautiful tanned skin, staring at his slight muscles. He smiled down at me before removing the shirt completely and throwing it onto the ground. I grabbed onto his neck and pulled him into a dirty kiss, eager to once again have his lips on me, his kisses so addictive. He moved back down my chest only to stop at my pants he looked up at me with a questioning gaze, I knew what he was asking.   
He started to unbutton my pants, then quickly rid me of the fabric. I blushed slightly as he moved hovering over my erection that was still covered by my underwear. He smiled, leaving soft kisses there, before moving back to my neck kissing the sensitive skin. Then without warning, pulled down the only clothing I was left wearing, throwing them across the room. I blushed wildly as he stared down at my erection; embarrassed, suddenly feeling rather insecure of my body I wanted to shy away. He looked back up at me and smiled.   
“You’re so gorgeous, Nick,” He whispered sweetly, “Simply gorgeous.” With that all my worries disappeared, only to be replaced with the shear want I felt for the man above me. He moved his hand, palming my erection; I bucked up into his hand moaning loudly.   
“P-please” I gasped out and he chuckled, shaking his head. I sat up, my trembling hands moving towards his pants to unbutton them, we worked together to rid him of his pants and threw them unto the ground along with his underwear. I looked up at the beautiful man before me, completely exposed, his tanned button slightly sweaty, glistening in the dim light of the room. My eyes moved down to his erection, blushing slightly at the beauty of it, he cleared his throat softly and I blushed, and realized that I had been staring.   
His hand moved to my cheek, cupping it, his thumbs drawing circles into the skin he sighed.   
“Are you sure you’re ready for this, old sport?” He asked me, so sincere, “I wouldn’t want to rush you into something that you’re not comfortable with.” I looked up at him, my heart skipping a beat in my chest; there was nothing I wanted more. To be the person he wakes up to, to be the person who owns his heart, to give myself to him completely was everything I desired.   
I pulled him down into a kiss, pulling away slightly to whisper into his ear.  
“There’s nothing I want more, Jay,” I kissed his cheek, “Take me.” He didn’t hesitate, I felt a pressure at my entrance and I moaned out as he pushed the digit into me. I tensed me slightly, before telling me to relax.   
“Are you alright, Nick?” He asked me and I just nodded weakly, unable to speak. The curled the finger inside of me and I moaned out, the pleasure overriding the discomfort. He pushed a second finger into me, scissoring me, then hit something inside of me, I moaned loudly, my back arched, then followed a third digit, I moving against his fingers, making a small noise of protest when he pulled them out of me.   
I opened my eyes that had at some point fallen closed and stared up at him, he smiled down at me and I felt another pressure at my entrance. I was nervous, that was rather obvious, I breathed preparing myself. Jay leaned down to leave soft kisses on my lips.  
“I love you” He whispered against my lips and I pulled away staring lovingly into his eyes, that was all the reassurance I needed.   
“I love you too” I whispered to him as he pushed into me, I cried out, the pain enveloping my body. He stayed still, waiting for me to adjust to the feeling. I nodded softly and he rocked slightly, and I moaned, the pleasure quickly overriding the pain. I gasped as he hit the spot inside of me he did earlier with his fingers, my body was on fire.   
He rocked into me faster, his movements becoming more frantic as he showered me in kisses. Not a word was uttered between us, only occasional gasps and moans. Suddenly his hand was on my erection, pumping it once and I came, my vision growing white as I screamed out. I felt a warm liquid spill inside of me as I came down from my high, not long after day pulled out of me.   
He fell down beside me, pulling me into his strong arms, my head rested on his chest. We laid there together in blissful silence.   
“Nick” He whispered into my hair, repeating my name ever so softly, I adored the way he said it. His lips moved to my forehead kissing it softly, I smiled.   
“I love you, Jay” I whispered cuddling closer to him his grip tightened around me, holding me close to his cheat.   
“I love you too, Nick” My smile grew as my eye lids grew heavy, they slipped shut and I fell asleep listening to his lullaby heartbeat.


	8. Chapter 8

I woke up in a daze, surprised to find Gatsby's strong, warm arms still wrapped around me, holding me to his chest. I looked up at his sleeping figure, studying his sleeping features. I leaned up and kissed the smooth skin of his chin then settled back into his arms, resting my head on his chest. I wanted to stay in this moment forever, never had I felt so safe in that moment, blinded by bliss, and lost to the world around us.

But soon fear slipped back into my mind and paranoia enveloped my thoughts. The fear of rejection grew within me every second that I laid there, the thought that I may never be able to feel his arms around me again and be the source of his affection. The fear that even if he didn't reject me that we would be torn apart then invaded my mind. I had become too attached in too little time and I wasn't ever going to willingly leave the comfort of this man's arms ever again.

I don't ever want to feel the utter and miserable feelings of loneliness ever again. I don't want to go back; I don't ever want to feel that pain again. Gatsby's sleeping form started to stir, and I looked up as his beautiful loving eyes fell on me, erasing every worry from my mind and making my heart halt in my chest.

"Good morning, old sport" He whispered softly, kissing my forehead. I smiled in return, nuzzling my face into his neck, taking in his comforting scent; he tightened his grip on me and began to rub my back. I sighed.

"Are you alright, Nick?" He asked me and I moved to look up at him, nodding.

"Yes, yes I'm fine, I just…this is just rather difficult to believe." He gave me a quizzical glance.

"What is?" He questioned and I moved to sit up

"This" I gestured wildly between us, then realized he wasn't quite following, "Us" I looked away for a moment to think.

"What is this exactly?" I asked him and moved his hand to caress my cheek.

"It's whatever you want it to be," He told me and kissed the top of my head, "Listen here, old sport, I really care for you. The feelings I hold for you are feelings that I shouldn't be feeling for another man, but I find myself caring less and less. Nick, I'm in love with you, I want to be with you. Whatever you want, just ask for it, and it's yours." My heart leapt to my throat as I stared up at the man, the words he spoke making me feel complete.

"I love you" I smiled brightly wrapping my arms around him tightly, the affection that Gatsby showed me made my heart explode with pure and utter happiness. Never had anyone in my life shown me such care, or made me feel as if I had some sort of purpose and was not just a sad excuse for a man. I leaned up leaving a kiss on his lips before he pulled me back in, deepening the kiss.

He pushed me down onto the bed, taking full control of the kiss, I moaned. He broke the kiss then moved down to my neck, I whined in protest when he pulled away. He chuckled softly and kissed my cheek.

"C'mon, old sport, I think it's time we got up" I nodded hesitantly as he helped me up, we got up and I blushed, staring at his cloth-less form. I watched as he walked across his room to dress in some fresh clothing. I just walked around the room, picking up the clothing that had been thrown about the room the night before and redressed in them.

For the next few hours Gatsby and I just stayed around his home, I stayed there safe in his arms, dreading the fact that soon I'd have to return to the truth of my reality and face the world outside of that which was Gatsby. Being with him was what made me complete, without him I was nothing and that was what I always would believe.

Returning to a home full of lies and loneliness was what I dreaded the most. So as I stared up at the stars, with Gatsby wrapped around me all I could do was worry. The silence between the two of finally being broken by Gatsby.

"I can practically hear you worrying inside that head of yours, Nick" He whispered in my ear, "What's the matter, old sport?"

"I don't want to go home" I sighed looking over my shoulder at him, his eyes studied my face before leaving a chaste kiss on my forehead, leaning back over towards my ear.

"Then don't" He whispered softly. Oh how I wish it were that easy. If only I could just stay here forever with him, and live my life out in pure happiness and grow old with him. But reality always found a way to sink back into my mind and ruin every fantasy, every dream.

"If only it were that simple" I whispered back to him, "Jay, I have to go home." His face fell some.

"You don't have to, Nick," His grip tightened on me, "You can stay here, with me, we can be happy, I can make you happy."

"You already make me happy" I told him

"Then why can't you stay?"

"I have responsibilities," I paused, "I have a family."

"You have a cold, heartless life; you've told me yourself, she doesn't love you, what's stopping you?" I shook my head.

"I'm scared" I admitted finally, "You haven't met her, you haven't lived my life. You must think I'm a fool, I have everything yet I have nothing, and I'm terrified. You just don't understand."

"I do understand, Nick," He cooed softly, "I can keep you safe, as long as you are here you'll be alright, you don't have to go back."

"But I do," I regretfully pulled away from his grasp on me, "I have to, I can't just leave it all behind, as much as I want to, even though that's all I've ever wanted I just can't, not so suddenly, but I will." He stared down at me, his ocean eyes filled with worry.

"I'll be alright, Jay," I whispered, leaning up to kiss him, "I'll be back, I promise." I turned to leave.

"At least let me give you a ride over there" I shook my head

"I don't need one, I'm going to stop by at Jezebel's for a minute, a I haven't seen her in weeks" He sighed in defeat.

"Alright, but if you need anything, anything at all just give me a call, or better yet just come over, I'll always be here, I'll protect you." I smiled lovingly at him, walking back towards him to give him another kiss.

"Thank you, I will, I love you" I turned to leave

"I love you too" He called after me, I walked across his property and over to Jezebel's cottage, knocking softly on her door, hoping dearly that she was home. The door opened suddenly and I was met with a pair of shocked hazel eyes.

"Nick?" She called; startled to see me standing at her doorstep, but why she was so confused, I had no idea.

"Hello, Jezzy" I said to her, but still, that dumbfounded look never left her features. "What is it?"

"Why are you here?" She questioned.

"Why wouldn't I be here?" I was confused now, "I just thought I'd stop by and pay you a visit. It's been awhile since I've seen you."

"Tonya, she stopped by a couple hours ago, going on and on about how you've been missing for days, rambling nonsense about an affair, Nick, what's going on?" My eyes widened slightly, Tonya was here?

"What did she say to you?" I asked her and she shrugged.

"I don't really remember," She sighed, "She just went on and on about how you've been out having an affair with some woman, that you haven't been home for days and that she thought that you might be there. Nick, I mean it, what the hell is going on? You owe me that much."

"I can't tell you"

"Are you seeing someone?"

Silence.

"You are aren't you?!" She exclaimed wildly, I didn't respond, she grabbed my arm and pulled me inside, throwing me onto her couch and sitting down next to me.

"Nick, I'm your cousin, I thought we were closer than this, please talk to me." I sighed burying my face into my hands.

"I…" I sighed in defeat, "I am seeing someone" Her eyes widened wildly and she stood up gasping.

"Nick, Tonya is an awful human being, I know that she hurts you, and cheats on you. She's completely disgusting, but I didn't think you'd go as far as to stoop to her level. Why can't you just leave her?" She sighed.

"Who are you seeing?" She questioned suddenly

"I can't tell you"

"Why not!?" She exclaimed, "After all this the least you can even do is tell me who the damn woman is!"

"I think you're overreacting" I told her and she glared at me, but then sighed, the glare falling, she sat back down next to me.

"I'm sorry, Nick," She apologized, "I was just so worried about you. I haven't heard so much as a "hello" from you in weeks, and then Tonya comes in here saying all these things about you. I didn't know what to think."

"I'm so sorry, Jezzy," I set a hand on her shoulder, "My intention was never to worry you, and you know Tonya, she takes things and she makes them all about herself, and tried to play the victim. I just got so busy; I never had a chance to talk to you."

"Who is she, Nick?" She asked again, "who are you seeing?"

"I'm sorry, but I just can't tell you" She sighed in frustration.

"Why?" She questioned, "Why can't you tell me who she is?!" She yelled, expressing her frustration.

"Because…!" I exclaimed.

"Because?" I sighed, burying my face back into my hands.

"Because…because it's not a woman" I muttered.

"What?" She asked, shocked.

"Because it's not a woman!" I yelled, standing up and staring down at her, her mouth fell slightly as she stared up at me in utter disbelief.

"You're…you're seeing a man?" She asked, dumbfounded.

"Yes…I…" I looked away from her shocked gaze, "I'm seeing Gatsby." Her eyes widened even more.

"Gatsby?" She stood from where she sat on the sofa, "You're seeing Gatsby?" I nodded, ashamed at my confession, accepting that this would be the last time I saw my cousin, now that she knew the truth of what I was, I knew that it was more than likely that she'd want nothing to do with such a disgusting abomination.

"I'm sorry, I shouldn't have come here" I turned to walk towards the door.

"Nick, wait!" She called after me, but it was too late. I ran out of her home and away from her, away from Gatsby, from everyone, desperate to get away, to escape the reality of the world around me.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you so much for reading


	9. Chapter 9

I sat alone atop the steps leading down into the gardens of my home, a cigarette in hand I took silent drags. I stared up at the night sky, once so beautiful I would find comfort in it, but not tonight. I just returned from my cousin’s house, having confessed to her what had been going on these past few months I wasn’t sure where to go from here. The only question that rang through my mind at this point in time was; “Would she tell?”   
It wasn’t a secret that two men being together was considered an abomination in the eyes of many, anybody would know what would happen if you were to be caught, found out. You’d lose everything, your friends, family, your respect, so why did I feel the need to tell my cousin such a secret? Was it that I felt guilty for doing such a thing? For throwing away everything in my life that once had meaning? My wife. My daughter. My family. But did I have these things to begin with or were they just a distorted hallucination? An image that I had built for myself to keep myself breathing. God knows my wife hates me, my daughter isn’t really mine, and the only family I have left that wants anything to do with me would be Jezebel.  
I take another drag of my cigarette, my body in such a state of utter shock and pain that I can’t even move to get up. I want to get far away from this place, I want to run and never come back to the memories that haunt me so. I don’t want to be reminded of my dead cousin, my hateful wife, or any of this shit that I’ve lived with since the day I moved to Long Island. I’ve been plagued with such guilt, I’ve been mourning over a death there was no hope of preventing for years, I ran to Long Island and it didn’t solve a thing, the memories followed me and through me into a life of lies and depression.   
And now all I can think about is picking up and fleeing with my male lover, off to somewhere where I’ll continue to be just as miserable. As much as I dream of running away with Gatsby, to leave my dreaded wife and cast off the chains that have tied me to this ungodly place, who’s to say she won’t follow me? Who’s to say all of these demons of my past won’t follow me and haunt me until the end of time, I don’t see a way out I don’t see a way to get out of this hell that has me trapped.   
“Nick” A cold voice called out to me and a shiver ran up my spin, I sighed, not even bothering to look up.   
“Tonya” I acknowledged her presence, she swayed over to me, the heals of her shoes clicking against the stone beneath her feet. She leaned against the railing near the stares; I looked up, her cold, emotionless eyes meeting mine. Her sinful red lips turned into a scowl before looking away.   
“It’s a surprise to see you here” She commented blandly, her fingers wiping away a speck of dirt on the railing she was leaning against.   
“Why’s that? I live here, don’t I?” I shot back coldly, not in the mood to speak with the woman. She looked up at that, her emerald eyes narrowing slightly.   
“Well, be that as it may, you never seem to be here, off seeing Jezebel as you claim” She moved to the railing, moving that she was walking back and forth behind me, the clicking of her heels driving me mad.   
“But you and I both know that’s not the truth” She hissed through her teeth, stopping for a moment, before continuing to walk, “So who is she, Nick? Who is this mysterious woman you’ve been seeing?”   
“I don’t see why that’s any of your business”   
“Does she treat you well? Tell you you’re important? Tell you everything you want to hear?” She cooed, “Well she’s only after one thing, your money. It’s obvious, how could anyone ever love you, Nicky dear? After all you were just some lowly poor boy before I met you, nothing important, hardly a man, not even the least bit attractive.” I stood from my place at the top of the stairs.   
“That is enough, Tonya” I growled at her, glaring at her fiercely, she returned my gaze only for her lips to turn up to a wicked smirk.   
“You don’t even know how to treat a woman, you know if I didn’t know any better I’d say you were a pathetic homosexual.” My eyes widened in shock.  
“That’s it isn’t it? Nicky likes men. God you’re even more disgusting than I first sought you out to be.” I could feel the tears start to form but I held them back, I wouldn’t let this woman see me cry.   
“Do you want to talk about disgusting?” I hissed back, “You are an unfaithful tramp who can only feel good about herself while tearing her husband down; you want to talk about pathetic? You are pathetic. So go on and make it with every man you meet you whore, because that’s all you’ll ever be a pathetic little slut.” She raised her hand and slapped me then.  
“This is all your fault, Nick!” She screamed at me, “You’re the one who ruined this family, you disgusting abomination! No wonder your cousin killed herself, it was because of you!” My thoughts were racing; so many things I wanted to say and scream. I wanted to run, I wanted to leave and go far away from this place for good, but her venom laced words hit hard, slicing into my skin like knives. There was nothing left to say.   
I moved away from her and made my way down the stairs, I had to get out, I had to leave, or else I would die trapped here forever.   
“That’s right run away you pathetic pig!” She screamed after me, but I didn’t turn around, I just kept walking, and then I was running, running far away from that unloving household filled with nothing but hatred and rotten memories, there was nothing left for me here.   
I ran to the garage and got into my car, and found myself driving to the one place in this world that actually made life worth living. I found myself on Gatsby’s doorstep, he opened the door staring at me, tears rushing down my face he pulled me into his arms, whispering sweet nothings, making promises he had ever intention to keep and pulled me into his home, taking me to his bedroom and holding me all night and for the first time in my life I finally believed that I had found true love.


	10. Chapter 10

I awoke within his arms, strong and loving, wrapped around me keeping me safe, protecting me from the world and everyone in it. My eyelids were heavy, dazed from my sleep but I kept my eyes open, and moved to stare up at the one person could make me have this feeling of pure euphoria. I had shown up here late last night, tears running down my face I was ashamed, ashamed of me, a damaged soul, with a rocky past, a pathetic excuse for a man, who couldn’t even learn to hold back his tears. Despite it all he took me into my arms, whispering sweet nothings into my ear, washing away the hateful words my wife had thrown at me like daggers.

He took me into his room, into his bed, stripping me down into barely anything and held me, my head rested on his chest while I listened to his heartbeat and stayed up with me until I was calm enough to sleep. I stared at his features, how calm he seemed when he was asleep, the way his lips would twitch just slightly every few minutes. His golden blonde hair looked so soft I was tempted to touch it, but decided against it, not wanting to disturb him. 

I wondered what I had done to deserve this man, for him to love me as I loved him. How was it possible for a man like me to fall so hopelessly, a man who was destined to spend eternity alone, married to a cold and cruel person? Somehow I found my way to Gatsby; never would I willingly leave his arms again. I nuzzled my face into his neck, and wrapped my arms tighter around his torso; I found a certain comfort in him, a sense of safety I had never before been able to find.   
I wanted to spend the rest of my life with this man, the love I held for him was something I had never experienced, it was so real it was almost frightening. The desire to run away from this place and never return, to run away from all of this with Gatsby by my side, never would I have to be alone again. 

But fear loomed over me, the reality sinking in and tearing down every dream, every hope I had ever held. I may feel safe, while I was here wrapped within Gatsby’s embrace, but would I always be protected from the rest of the world? The reality of what we were truly getting into? I don’t know if I would ever have the courage…the self-confidence…to run away, to leave with Gatsby and never return. But I knew it was what I wanted, more than anything I wanted to be with him, to walk up within his arms every day, and to fall asleep in them every night.

I glanced back up at Gatsby’s sleeping form, a slight smile appearing on my lips. For him I would try, I would try to leave; I want to be with him, I want to make him happy, I will do whatever it takes. I brought my hand to his face and touched it slightly; he stirred slightly, his eyes twitching some. He moved his hand up to where mine sat on his cheek, covering my hand with his. Ocean eyes met mine and he smiled, only reassuring my choice to be with him.

“Good morning” He whispered, his voice slightly horse from sleep, and I smiled, I smiled so brightly, trying to pour out every ounce of love I held for him in that one glance. I moved my hand from his face and threw my arms around him, wanting to be held in his embrace, to feel him surround me, just to be sure. I buried my face into his neck, taking in his scent, his arms wrapped around me in return, holding me to him. I wanted to live in this moment forever, if I were to die now I would be content, held in his loving arms nothing could touch me, fears, reality, responsibility, it all meant nothing, nothing could compare to the way I felt in that moment.

We pulled away from the embrace only slightly, and stared into each other’s eyes, he smiled and moved to leave a chaste kiss upon my lips and moved to shower the rest of me with his loving touch. My heart felt as if it were going to explode, I felt as if I could cry, just because of the happiness I felt in that moment. His eyes found mine again and he touched my cheek just slightly.

“What is it?” He asked, his voice soft, and loving, I could listen to him talk to me for days on end. I felt tears well up behind my eyes, I felt pathetic, stupid, but I didn’t care.

“I love you” I whispered, so sincere, my voice laced with love, his face broke out into his most beautiful smile and kissed my lips over and over again.

“And I want to be with you” I spoke between kisses and he nodded and continued to shower me with his affection, “I want to do it, Jay; I want to run away with you.” Suddenly he stopped, his eyes wide, yet so full of love.

“Are you sure?” He was shocked, I hadn’t every been so willing to leave, my abusive relationship holding me back, but never had I wanted anything more than to be with the man lying before me  
.   
“I’ve never been more sure,” I kissed his cheek; “I want to be with you, Jay, no matter what it takes, or what I have to do. I love you, and I want to spend the rest of my life with you”

“What about your responsibilities?” He questioned, “Your wife, your daughter, your home, everything tying you to this place.”

“I don’t care anymore, I just want to be with you, none of them ever wanted me in the first place, but you do.” The smile that broke out on his face at that moment made my heart skip a beat. He kissed me again, over and over. We were going to do it, we were going to leave and no one was going to stop us, not Tonya, not anyone because I loved him and he loved me.

Later that day I found myself standing on Jezebel’s doorstep, once again, I had left Gatsby’s mansion, before making a plan to leave, tomorrow afternoon we had planned to go to Tonya and announce that I was leaving her and go away with Gatsby. I left promising that I would be back tonight, that I had something that I needed to do. I feared what my cousin would say to me when she saw me, we hadn’t spoken since the night I had announced to her that I was having an affair with her neighbor, a man.

Part of me wanted to leave, to go away with Gatsby and just leave her here, to never speak with her again, because if I didn’t then I would be safe from her judgment. But the bigger part of me was screaming to make amends, to talk and this with her for she had always been there to help with through Daisy’s untimely death, to support me and love me through it all, because that’s what family was for.

I knocked a couple of times with a shaky hand, then all I had left to do was wait, wait for what was waiting for me behind that door. After a few minutes the door open to reveal a slightly stunned Jezebel, obviously not expecting to see me.   
“Nick?” She called out and I nodded, expecting that what I would be greeted with a slap across the face or a door to be slammed, but no, she stepped out of her home and jumped to me, her eyes thrown around me, she hugged me. I took a few steps back, holding my hand between her shoulder blades to hold her in place. Shocked by the sudden affection, I stood there dumbfounded as she pulled away. She gave me a slight smile and gestured for me to come in  
.   
I moved to walk in and I followed her as she sat down on her couch, gesturing for me to join her, I sat down next to her, the room was met with a certain awkward silence for a few moments before Jezebel cleared her throat, looking up at me with concerned hazel eyes.

“I love you, Nick,” She smiled despite her concern, “And I will accept you, no matter who you love, who you decide to me, because no matter what you are my family, but I’m not sure what you’re doing is right.” She sighed.

“Tonya is an awful person, you both know that, but it’s not okay to stoop down to her level and do the same to her what she does to you, I believe you should handle this the right way and-…” I held up my hand to silence her. 

“I’m leaving Tonya” Her eyes widened.

“What?” She gasped, shocked.

“I’m leaving her, I decided, I’m leaving her for Gatsby and we’re going to runaway together, I’ve invited Gatsby to lunch tomorrow with me and Tonya, and we’re going to tell her then.”

“I’m so proud of you, Nick” She smiled, her beautiful eyes brightened. 

“And it would mean so much to me if you’d join us” I added.

“Join you?” She questioned, confused, “Why?”

“For moral support, I suppose,” I shrugged, “I just want you to be there with me, to help me, you’ve always been there for me Jezzy, please join us.” She looked as if she was about to decline before sighing.

“Alright, Nick, I’ll go for you” I smiled brightly and threw my arms around her, pulling her into a tight hug.

“Thank you, Jezzy” I whispered.

“Anytime, Nick, dear” She responded. I stayed for a while after that, I hadn’t spoken with Jezzy for such a long amount of time, needing to catch up. As it fell into the late hours of the night I returned to Gatsby, he took me into his arms as I told him the news about Jezzy, we shared a smile as we made our way to his bed and fell asleep into each other’s arms, I would have treasured it more though, if I had known that was the last time that I would ever fall asleep within the comfort of his arms again.


End file.
